Repair The Child In My Adult Body


I remember being a child a wanting to become a surgeon when I got older. I was always so outspoken, confident and determined that whatever I set out to achieve, I would. There was no one or nothing that could stand in the way of my hopes, dreams, and desires. I was in a environment where I was never told I couldn’t but nor was I ever told that I could either. But that didn’t matter. This was just the way that I believed in myself unapologetically and without the approval of anyone else around me. I never stopped to look around and see who didn’t believe in me because it didn’t matter. I just always had a fire inside of my heart and soul that wanted to achieve as much as I could.

By the time I got to middle education and had experienced a tragic loss of my father, I wanted more than anything to become a Psychologist. I began to understand so much about myself and the way that the mind worked so I had to dig so much deeper into myself at such a youthful time in my life. While many were playing and doing things that early teens are doing, I was more focused on understanding the behaviors and mind of oneself. While people were living I was studying. While people around me having fun, I was reading. I was always a little more serious. Maybe a little too serious to the point I sacrificed a lot of my fun times. But I didn’t see it that way, I was just on a mission.

But only because I knew that there was something good behind it. After my father passed away, I began to express my dreams with outsiders. I didn’t have many other supportive sources in my life. I wanted to see if I would get the same responses that I had received before but it wasn’t. Instead of being inside of my own head I began to look around me. I had friends (well people I thought were my friends) family, strangers, teachers etc. that would laugh at my dreams in my face. Tell me I wasn’t good enough. Tell me I would never be able to accomplish certain things because of the classes I was taking. Told me my dreams was unrealistic. Told me I was living in a imaginary world. Told me I didn’t look the part of what I wanted to do. People tell me I’m trying to be something I’m not for wanting more. People telling me how they went out of their way not to support me.

Before I knew it I begin to believe these things about myself because it was the only feedback I was receiving. I started actually to believe that I was a product of my environment. The mentality that I had was no longer there anymore. I begin to slack off in school. I stopped caring as much as I did. I stopped believing in myself because I said well maybe they’re right and I’m wrong. I told myself to wake up multiple times but somehow I already felt woke. I already felt alive. I felt as though everyone else around me was asleep. So it became more about proving toe everyone that I was on the track that I was supposed to be on. All I had was a dollar and a dream but I had no goals or plans to get there.

I became a college freshman. By this time I had multiple learned behaviors. I didn’t speak as often, I listened. I didn’t party as much, I watched. I needed to see so much of what I was missing. In class I wouldn’t raise my hand anymore. At work I wouldn’t take the initiative. I said why bother, no one would see me anyhow. By that I meant really see me. I realized I became the girl trying too prove who she was when she wasn’t being her the whole time. These learned behaviors had become her new way of life. She sacrificed her voice, greatness, and uniqueness so that other’s around her were able to have their ego’s stroked. She found that this way was better because she had no one to be upset with her for being the center of attention.

She let go of all of her pride and called it being humble. She let go of all her humor and called it maturity. She let go of all her ideas and called it sacrifice. She let go of all her dreams and called it a waste of time. She let go of her voice and called it being selfless. But all this time she was letting go of who she was. Her life was no longer her own it was theirs. But who is they? She had learned from them that she was nothing more than what they thought she was but she was the only one who had control of that mindset. She had given away everything that made her, for others to feel alive and that broke her.

She thought that it was the right thing to do, so now she faces the biggest challenge of her life; which is to repair the child in her adult body. Have you ever heard the quote, “It’s much easier to build up a child than it is to repair an adult. “-Unknown. One of the hardest things to do as an adult is undo learned behaviors and patterns that you didn’t exactly put there. You have to reverse your mind. The way that you think. Undo the way that you respond to things. Undo the wrong way of doing things and do it right. Let go of lazy and bad habits that didn’t get you anywhere. Let go and release all of the things that the naysayers said about you and you believed it. Maybe even undo a lie in your life that you lived on for periods of time.

Either way though, anytime you decide to make a change in your life it’s never easy. She just realized that before she could accomplish much of anything she must first relearn what was right and undo what was wrong. The biggest yet most rewarding challenge one could ever face is repairing the child in their adult body but it was definitely necessary for her growth. She realized how much she wasn’t who she thought she was anymore. She realized the lies she had forced herself to believe to make others feel comfortable. She realized the imagine she had to obtain was only hurting her in the long run. She realized that the only one who was holding her back was the child in her who never repaired in her now adult body. Now to this day she is striving to become the woman, the girl couldn’t control.


Love Done Wrong

I wish the words would form but I just don’t know how to explain the love that God is allowing me to experience. I grew up in a family where love was expressed by your actions and not just your words. I grew up being taught to love everyone unconditionally. I also learned a lot of people don’t know the real meaning of something being unconditional. Unconditional meaning no matter what they have done or what they have gone through or what may happen; they are human so they deserve extended grace and love for who they are.

I always felt that learning this so early was a blessing and a curse. Especially being so young a lot of my friends and those around me were very selfish with their things and thought only of themselves a lot. Which was okay because as a child is not your responsibility to take care of others and put others needs before your own. Your hardest task was to play and not get hurt. But I always knew from a very early age that there was something abnormal about me. I always had a soft spot in my heart for everyone. I always wanted to see everyone else happy. I would give and go without if it meant someone was able to be happier or feel the love that I was experiencing from home. I was always just so selfless. I would always disregard my own emotions so that others could be happy. No one my age back then was doing anything like that.

If it was the last lollipop they were getting it even if they already had eaten one. It was just normal to take care of self first. I just didn’t see it that way. I was always taught to be unselfish. Give and it will be giving unto you. Treat people how you want to be treated. Love thy neighbor. So I just lived by that. I will never forget hearing my parents tell me the world isn’t as nice as you think it is and everyone is not going to be like you, but I didn’t believe that. Even after I had experienced being treated poorly I still had grace on my heart and forgiveness for the person even if i didn’t speak to them. For they know not what they do I would say to myself. And even it I seen that same person in a bad situation I would still do what I could to help them out. That was just all that I knew to be. I would always say well God knows my heart and in fact he did. He knew that my intentions for everyone who came across my path were always good and if I had it the blessings were now theirs.

But I had grown so comfortable with this conditional love lifestyle over the years that I had left myself behind a long time ago. I always felt that it was what God wanted but today I realize that it wasn’t. Years later people would come to me to drop their loads and leave. As long as I was their and sought out peace from God I thought I would be okay. Every since a little girl I was carrying the loads of others and making it my assignment to be a super hero for everyone. It had gotten so bad that I started to suffer from depression and just a lack of self love because I had made a decision to never put my own needs and self first. I had decided very early on that I didn’t matter to me. That as long as everyone else could live worry free that my work was being done. So to me I was happy just knowing that; but I was wrong.

Moses father-in-law in Exodus 18:14-27 told him that doing what I was doing was not good and the work is too heavy and you cannot handle it alone. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him.  Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. So that the trustworthy and believers could go and do this on their own. I learned that at a very early age that people will bring their burdens to you and leave them for you to handle as long as you allow them to. God himself is not burdensome. He doesn’t design us for the sole purpose to take care of everyone else and not ourselves. In Matthew 11:29-30 he says, “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and  My burden is light.”

Only reason I had become so unhappy is because I had chosen to carry everyone else’s. I thought that it was my assignment. I lived in that my entire life from childhood all the way to adulthood and it left me very unhappy and feeling unworthy. My emptiness was the heaviest burden that I was carrying and didn’t even notice. One day something clicked and I realized how I was doing love wrong for all this time. That I didn’t fully understand what it meant to truly love unconditionally because I was loving everyone else into shape but forgetting about me. I didn’t love me uncondtionally. All the years of putting all that I had into everyone else and making sure that they had an experience of God’s love I left the need to love myself into shape and that’s when I found I had been doing love wrong.

I had never experienced unconditional love from anyone the way that I extended it beside from God. Not that it was anyone else’s fault because I can’t honestly say I wanted to. As long as I was doing it for them I was okay. But learning to love myself first and what love really is, and what it looks like is the best thing I have ever been able to experience my whole 23 years of living life. Doing love wrong had even creeped into my love life and companionship. I never thought that it was right unless I was able to love them into shape and introduce them into unconditional love when the whole time their love for me was certainly conditional. I knew this. They only loved me under certain conditions or for what I was able to do for them. Whether it was feeding the ego of a man or just listening to all their problems 24/7.

But I also too learn that that was incorrect and the lack of desire to understand why this was happened showed up in my results. Failed relationship after relationship because I didn’t love myself under the same conditions and with the same passion that I did for them. I realize that as long as you’re willing to give others are willing to take. That’s life principle in a nutshell. It wasn’t that I felt bad for using the heart that God had giving me because I knew that I was the only God that a lot of people had to experience and they probably would never meet someone else like me but it was that I felt bad because I never received it in return. I started to look in the mirror and think Lord what am I doing wrong, but the whole time it was Love done wrong.

I began to think my value was decreasing and that I just wasn’t worthy because of how much I had allowed others to put their issues off on me to carry and used me until they were healed enough to soar again. At first I felt good about that but now things are different. I understand that was all love done wrong. That I should never have to put me last all the time and that their are many unconditional lovers God has placed to love others the same way that I was doing. I have one. I always used to feel that if someone’s need of me didn’t come with a cost of sacrificing larger amounts of self then it wasn’t right. But the more I prayed for God to show me what love really is. I began to immediately want to uncompromisingly put myself first. Love myself first. Take care of myself. Extend grace and mercy to myself. Be available for myself before everyone else all the time. Allow someone to love me unconditionally and for me without feeling guilty because of it. Living the way I want to and making choices that speak self love! I can honestly say I learning to do love right! 

Could my prolonged brokenness be magnifying an addiction to Pain?

I think I’m starting to realize why broken people have such a hard time with freedom from pain. We all know that pain is inevitable and at some point throughout your life you will experience pain and heart ache. Doesn’t mean that it defines us but it means at some point we have to learn how to strategically overcome that pain and not allow it to hinder us from being healed. The thing with broken people is that we tend to put ourselves back out there with just a temporary bandage or with holes still left unpatched from trying to piece together ourselves. We have to get to the place where we allow pain to work for us and not always against us. There will be phases in life when pain will be our biggest teacher. Nobody wants to but we all will experience pain. It is the addiction to pain that causes us to remain in bondage and keep us from experiencing the fullness of life. When I say addiction I mean the attraction to pain that we seldom realize ourselves being drawn to when it comes to the wounds that we’re already hurting from. Pain for a lot of people bring comfort because it is the only thing that they’ve ever known so they think that it’s all life has to offer.

From a broken person it’s almost like a instant gratification to keep revisiting that open wound after we think we have giving it some time because of the happiness we are feeling on the inside from feeling like we have conquered what caused it. So out of that experience we tend to go back and/or put ourselves in a situation just like it so that we can experience what we “think” we deserve when we haven’t originally healed in the first place.. We tend to religiously have hope that this time when we’re attracted to what caused the pain before, that it will get a little better, and a little better each time.  Without realizing that pain will always be pain we just learn how to strategize dealing with it. We always have hope for the same thing that caused us pain the first time around which causes the addiction in the first place. One thing about pain is there isn’t really a default way of how to get rid of it or how to strategize it. There’s multiple ways to get rid of it according to circumstance, but convincing yourself verses actually being healed is two totally different things.

There is a such thing as being able to manipulate your own mind and that is what we call convincing ourselves. Before you’ve convinced yourself of something, the way that you believed in it was totally different. Then you start to look at the truth until you’re able to formulate for yourself your very own thesis in which we call, “your truth”. I know for me I used to allow pain to convince me that it was what I deserved because I had experienced it for so long and strategized how to grow through it, that I thought I needed to stay in that broken place forever in order to grow. But pain should never define our lives in it’s entirety. We are meant to experience pain to grow, learn, and to shape us but we are not meant to use it as a comfort seeking place nor identify it as the “norm”. It is not the norm. We are assigned to experience it and be able to move on. We know Joy because we’ve experienced pain. Many of us never move on because in our truth pain will never stop, when in reality we’ve just become so consumed with the reality of our emotions.

We’ve become used to being and staying at that low place that it is now our reality. Once you began to channel in on why you’re even hurting and what that pain does for you then you can seek the necessary requirements and practices to heal. I think a lot of our pain has a lot to do with the fact that we don’t allow ourselves to heal. It’s almost like you have imprisoned yourself. We constantly keep going back to the things that hurt us and brought us pain because we think that’s our life’s story but practicing that is only feeding the addiction to the pain that’s causing it. It will start to make you think that’s who and what you are when you are so much more than who and what pained you. You are worthy of freedom. Maybe we aren’t free because we haven’t tried to be.

A lot of us are missing out on happiness because of this addiction to pain that we have adopted. Some of us don’t even realize how imprisoned we are. There’s moments when someone tries to love us and treat us right but we don’t accept it because the feeling is not as strong as the pain we’re used to. Sometimes we can be in a stressful environment at work and the moment we get a better job opportunity we don’t like it and find reasons why the last one was better when it wasn’t better you are just so used to the pain/stress/unstable environment in the job that you thought that it would be on every job that you went to. A lot of us have experienced toxic relationships and desired someone to care for us correctly and not bring us pain but the moment we got it we didn’t know how to handle it because we are just addicted to the same pain but with different people. Being a victim of abuse in our homes so we never think we’re worthy and choose not to heal. Your addiction has no longer made you the victim. Getting out is a choice. Your healing is inside of you as soon as you’re able to let that hurt go. Your brokenness just might be from your addiction to pain.

I never knew that I was loved instead of raised until now.

Jasmine Crockett

There’s a difference between being loved until you were 18 and being raised until you were 18. A lot starts from within our homes. If we be honest a lot of us were loved but not raised. It is not the same. And a lot of us are in a deepened struggle today because we’ve experienced deep affection all our lives like love, but we never were exposed to being elevated or raised to a higher level or more intense way of living. That’s what being raised consist of. I can love you but still keep you in the same place for 100 years. But by guiding you and raising you you have no choice but to choose different and be elevated to a higher position in life. Once we understand that love requires more than just clothes on our backs, and food on the table, and a roof over…

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Why You Have To Master Your Mind In Order To Master Your Life.

I just finished reading the book “Outwitting The Devil” by Napoleon Hill and I think that the book really unlocked some keys to a successful path in my life. It is a great book! It actually was so mind boggling that I had to read it twice. The book is actually giving you an insight on all the devil’s insights and tricks to keep you from being successful in life and getting ahead. It shares so many valuable nuggets that you cannot deny how useful this book is to getting you to see how/why things have or are going the way that they are in your life.

The enemy is far more smarter than we give him credit for. Basically in the simplest form if you do not have control of your mind you do not have control over your life. What the devil calls us who cannot keep focus is “drifters”. He uses every tactic he can to get you while you are young. The younger you are he says the longer and easier if will be to keep you. Whether it be from your parents, school, or spiritual leaders. He uses these people as he wants to keep you from being able to think for yourself.

All of those roles I just mentioned above are people who taught us and probably played huge roles in our upbringings. This be why the enemy uses these strategies against us because though all these people think they are of service and helping us they are really training us up through dependency. Depending on those with authority to think for us instead of doing for ourselves. This results in a dependency when we get older. Instead of when we were a kid learning and wanting to do things on our own we become adults in the classrooms, churches, and in the real world expecting these same people and/or other people to think for us. Which is why it is so easy for the devil to have so many people on his side because a lot of his people have grown too lazy to think for themselves and would rather agree with any idea than no idea at all.

When you have the ability to think for yourself it’s much harder to be moved or persuaded with falsified information or beliefs because you have the ability to think your way out. By having the ability to think your way out of things for yourself, allows you to not drift and be distracted by the many other things he chooses to use against you to gain you. Whether it be sex, food, or money. He will try everything in his power to get you to become a drifter. Once you become a drifter you’re no longer able to keep focus and have self control. So every time you think that you are about to accomplish something, right when it’s at your finger tips he snatches it from you. Making you want to quit or while he offers you something else that’s your weakness to keep you from outwitting his tactics. I think the book is so much more than I am able to convey. Have you ever felt as though ever time you try to start something or do right in life something always comes into your life and distracts you before you can complete anything? Or feel as though you just keep experiencing the same exact setbacks or failures over and over again? Then you definitely should read “Outwitting The Devil”.


At some point or another in our day to day lives we’ve all reached a point where we just didn’t feel as though we were heard. I can remember it like it was yesterday telling my mother how bad my menstrual cycle was hurting me and her response was, “You’ll be ok.” And in fact I would, but in that moment I just didn’t feel as though I was and a huge part of that was not feeling that she really in truly heard my cry. The cry that said my tummy needed to be rubbed. Or maybe I just needed a little time and attention to know that my cry mattered. I believe all across the world we have all ran into these types of experiences whether it be the one that I had experienced or not, we’re all just on the discovery to be heard. Whether we recognize it or not, we all are on the hunt to find what understands what we already feel in dept of our Inner self. Whether we’re on a ocean watching the tide roll all the way until we can see no longer or whether it’s by our hairstyle, the way we dress, the cars we drive, etc. I think that the feelings that we get when we do these things or the little small voice inside of our heads when we go these places is what desires to be felt and heard the most. The things that we tend to keep the closest in our hearts are the very ones that would set us free if someone just heard it.  Growing up a little black child in poverty a lot of times I felt as though we were being brainwashed to believe that our opinion never mattered because our parents had gone through what they have gone through and saw a little results to no results, and our ancestors had survived what they had to in order to survive. But they never were given a choice. And today we’re all just one choice away from a totally different life if we stay with it long enough. But they always did what they had to do instead of being able to freely express themselves in a way that was able to make a real difference in their minds and in their lives. So do I blame the ones who never hear our cry no because no one ever heard theirs. Our parents and ancestors were always taught to make sacrifices to make sure that all our needs were met even if that meant sacrifice and their happiness. And so, many of them were lead to believe that this is the only way. That the ultimate goal was just to make sure that we all survived but never to be heard and be all that God has called us to be. I couldn’t imagine being alive during the time of the civil rights movement’s when they were forced not to say a word or be punished. I have experienced today due to my families cycle not being broken and it is one of the most painful experiences having to reverse and retrain our minds and thoughts after being told it isn’t valuable or ignored or “hushed up”.  They were beating for expressing their opinions. They were killed for learning how to read and write. (Be heard) They were raped by their owners and told to never speak about it. Down to the voting rights, were forced to believe that their viewpoints and their rights just did not matter. The only reason for their existence was just to do their jobs as they were told, listen, and to survive. We were taught we didn’t have a right to an opinion from the very start, and now we’re all here years later, even successful ones and the not so successful ones still crying to be heard. Whether it’s having to fight a silent battle through depression, mental illnesses, abandonment, running away children, social media, books, etc. The only difference between now and then is we’re all just one choice a way from a totally different life. Be heard however you need to just make sure you’re freedom comes after it.

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