Love Done Wrong

I wish the words would form but I just don’t know how to explain the love that God is allowing me to experience. I grew up in a family where love was expressed by your actions and not just your words. I grew up being taught to love everyone unconditionally. I also learned a lot of people don’t know the real meaning of something being unconditional. Unconditional meaning no matter what they have done or what they have gone through or what may happen; they are human so they deserve extended grace and love for who they are.

I always felt that learning this so early was a blessing and a curse. Especially being so young a lot of my friends and those around me were very selfish with their things and thought only of themselves a lot. Which was okay because as a child is not your responsibility to take care of others and put others needs before your own. Your hardest task was to play and not get hurt. But I always knew from a very early age that there was something abnormal about me. I always had a soft spot in my heart for everyone. I always wanted to see everyone else happy. I would give and go without if it meant someone was able to be happier or feel the love that I was experiencing from home. I was always just so selfless. I would always disregard my own emotions so that others could be happy. No one my age back then was doing anything like that.

If it was the last lollipop they were getting it even if they already had eaten one. It was just normal to take care of self first. I just didn’t see it that way. I was always taught to be unselfish. Give and it will be giving unto you. Treat people how you want to be treated. Love thy neighbor. So I just lived by that. I will never forget hearing my parents tell me the world isn’t as nice as you think it is and everyone is not going to be like you, but I didn’t believe that. Even after I had experienced being treated poorly I still had grace on my heart and forgiveness for the person even if i didn’t speak to them. For they know not what they do I would say to myself. And even it I seen that same person in a bad situation I would still do what I could to help them out. That was just all that I knew to be. I would always say well God knows my heart and in fact he did. He knew that my intentions for everyone who came across my path were always good and if I had it the blessings were now theirs.

But I had grown so comfortable with this conditional love lifestyle over the years that I had left myself behind a long time ago. I always felt that it was what God wanted but today I realize that it wasn’t. Years later people would come to me to drop their loads and leave. As long as I was their and sought out peace from God I thought I would be okay. Every since a little girl I was carrying the loads of others and making it my assignment to be a super hero for everyone. It had gotten so bad that I started to suffer from depression and just a lack of self love because I had made a decision to never put my own needs and self first. I had decided very early on that I didn’t matter to me. That as long as everyone else could live worry free that my work was being done. So to me I was happy just knowing that; but I was wrong.

Moses father-in-law in Exodus 18:14-27 told him that doing what I was doing was not good and the work is too heavy and you cannot handle it alone. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him.  Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. So that the trustworthy and believers could go and do this on their own. I learned that at a very early age that people will bring their burdens to you and leave them for you to handle as long as you allow them to. God himself is not burdensome. He doesn’t design us for the sole purpose to take care of everyone else and not ourselves. In Matthew 11:29-30 he says, “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and  My burden is light.”

Only reason I had become so unhappy is because I had chosen to carry everyone else’s. I thought that it was my assignment. I lived in that my entire life from childhood all the way to adulthood and it left me very unhappy and feeling unworthy. My emptiness was the heaviest burden that I was carrying and didn’t even notice. One day something clicked and I realized how I was doing love wrong for all this time. That I didn’t fully understand what it meant to truly love unconditionally because I was loving everyone else into shape but forgetting about me. I didn’t love me uncondtionally. All the years of putting all that I had into everyone else and making sure that they had an experience of God’s love I left the need to love myself into shape and that’s when I found I had been doing love wrong.

I had never experienced unconditional love from anyone the way that I extended it beside from God. Not that it was anyone else’s fault because I can’t honestly say I wanted to. As long as I was doing it for them I was okay. But learning to love myself first and what love really is, and what it looks like is the best thing I have ever been able to experience my whole 23 years of living life. Doing love wrong had even creeped into my love life and companionship. I never thought that it was right unless I was able to love them into shape and introduce them into unconditional love when the whole time their love for me was certainly conditional. I knew this. They only loved me under certain conditions or for what I was able to do for them. Whether it was feeding the ego of a man or just listening to all their problems 24/7.

But I also too learn that that was incorrect and the lack of desire to understand why this was happened showed up in my results. Failed relationship after relationship because I didn’t love myself under the same conditions and with the same passion that I did for them. I realize that as long as you’re willing to give others are willing to take. That’s life principle in a nutshell. It wasn’t that I felt bad for using the heart that God had giving me because I knew that I was the only God that a lot of people had to experience and they probably would never meet someone else like me but it was that I felt bad because I never received it in return. I started to look in the mirror and think Lord what am I doing wrong, but the whole time it was Love done wrong.

I began to think my value was decreasing and that I just wasn’t worthy because of how much I had allowed others to put their issues off on me to carry and used me until they were healed enough to soar again. At first I felt good about that but now things are different. I understand that was all love done wrong. That I should never have to put me last all the time and that their are many unconditional lovers God has placed to love others the same way that I was doing. I have one. I always used to feel that if someone’s need of me didn’t come with a cost of sacrificing larger amounts of self then it wasn’t right. But the more I prayed for God to show me what love really is. I began to immediately want to uncompromisingly put myself first. Love myself first. Take care of myself. Extend grace and mercy to myself. Be available for myself before everyone else all the time. Allow someone to love me unconditionally and for me without feeling guilty because of it. Living the way I want to and making choices that speak self love! I can honestly say I learning to do love right! 

Advertisements

Could my prolonged brokenness be magnifying an addiction to Pain?

I think I’m starting to realize why broken people have such a hard time with freedom from pain. We all know that pain is inevitable and at some point throughout your life you will experience pain and heart ache. Doesn’t mean that it defines us but it means at some point we have to learn how to strategically overcome that pain and not allow it to hinder us from being healed. The thing with broken people is that we tend to put ourselves back out there with just a temporary bandage or with holes still left unpatched from trying to piece together ourselves. We have to get to the place where we allow pain to work for us and not always against us. There will be phases in life when pain will be our biggest teacher. Nobody wants to but we all will experience pain. It is the addiction to pain that causes us to remain in bondage and keep us from experiencing the fullness of life. When I say addiction I mean the attraction to pain that we seldom realize ourselves being drawn to when it comes to the wounds that we’re already hurting from. Pain for a lot of people bring comfort because it is the only thing that they’ve ever known so they think that it’s all life has to offer.

From a broken person it’s almost like a instant gratification to keep revisiting that open wound after we think we have giving it some time because of the happiness we are feeling on the inside from feeling like we have conquered what caused it. So out of that experience we tend to go back and/or put ourselves in a situation just like it so that we can experience what we “think” we deserve when we haven’t originally healed in the first place.. We tend to religiously have hope that this time when we’re attracted to what caused the pain before, that it will get a little better, and a little better each time.  Without realizing that pain will always be pain we just learn how to strategize dealing with it. We always have hope for the same thing that caused us pain the first time around which causes the addiction in the first place. One thing about pain is there isn’t really a default way of how to get rid of it or how to strategize it. There’s multiple ways to get rid of it according to circumstance, but convincing yourself verses actually being healed is two totally different things.

There is a such thing as being able to manipulate your own mind and that is what we call convincing ourselves. Before you’ve convinced yourself of something, the way that you believed in it was totally different. Then you start to look at the truth until you’re able to formulate for yourself your very own thesis in which we call, “your truth”. I know for me I used to allow pain to convince me that it was what I deserved because I had experienced it for so long and strategized how to grow through it, that I thought I needed to stay in that broken place forever in order to grow. But pain should never define our lives in it’s entirety. We are meant to experience pain to grow, learn, and to shape us but we are not meant to use it as a comfort seeking place nor identify it as the “norm”. It is not the norm. We are assigned to experience it and be able to move on. We know Joy because we’ve experienced pain. Many of us never move on because in our truth pain will never stop, when in reality we’ve just become so consumed with the reality of our emotions.

We’ve become used to being and staying at that low place that it is now our reality. Once you began to channel in on why you’re even hurting and what that pain does for you then you can seek the necessary requirements and practices to heal. I think a lot of our pain has a lot to do with the fact that we don’t allow ourselves to heal. It’s almost like you have imprisoned yourself. We constantly keep going back to the things that hurt us and brought us pain because we think that’s our life’s story but practicing that is only feeding the addiction to the pain that’s causing it. It will start to make you think that’s who and what you are when you are so much more than who and what pained you. You are worthy of freedom. Maybe we aren’t free because we haven’t tried to be.

A lot of us are missing out on happiness because of this addiction to pain that we have adopted. Some of us don’t even realize how imprisoned we are. There’s moments when someone tries to love us and treat us right but we don’t accept it because the feeling is not as strong as the pain we’re used to. Sometimes we can be in a stressful environment at work and the moment we get a better job opportunity we don’t like it and find reasons why the last one was better when it wasn’t better you are just so used to the pain/stress/unstable environment in the job that you thought that it would be on every job that you went to. A lot of us have experienced toxic relationships and desired someone to care for us correctly and not bring us pain but the moment we got it we didn’t know how to handle it because we are just addicted to the same pain but with different people. Being a victim of abuse in our homes so we never think we’re worthy and choose not to heal. Your addiction has no longer made you the victim. Getting out is a choice. Your healing is inside of you as soon as you’re able to let that hurt go. Your brokenness just might be from your addiction to pain.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑